Myths if old men stepped down and let competent younger women take over

Jul 23, 2024

John William Waterhouse, “Penelope and the Suitors” (1912)

Apropos of absolutely nothing at all, I’ve been thinking about some tragedies from myth and how differently they’d have turned out if the senile old men in charge had done the sensible thing and let supremely qualified young women take over.

After defeating the Minotaur, Ariadne and Theseus return to Athens. Ariadne remembers to switch out the sails to signify that Theseus is still alive, so Aegeus doesn’t kill himself. However, Aegeus immediately recognizes that Ariadne has the brains and a strong track record of proven success and puts her in charge of Athens. Theseus complains until he realizes that, as her consort, he’s free to do what he actually wants: gallivant around with Pirithous.

After Telemachus tells Penelope to sit down and shut up in Odyssey 1, she says, “You know what? Actually, you sit down and shut up. I think we all know I’m in charge here, and I’m doing a great job. I’m not going to marry any of these jackasses, and it’s embarrassing for all of you that you prefer a king who’s been gone for two damn decades to an extremely competent female leader.” She then sends Telemachus on a voyage to find Odysseus just to get him out of her hair, knowing he’s too incompetent to accomplish anything without the help of a goddess.

So much of Sophocles’ Antigone is based on characters debating who is more right: Antigone or Creon? But, actually, the resolution makes it extremely obvious that Antigone was right the whole time and there never should have been a debate to begin with! Also, she and Ismene are the last living members of the ruling line from Laius to Oedipus to Eteocles. Imagine if Antigone had become queen, with Haemon as her extremely beta consort/press secretary and Tiresias as her chief religious adviser. Dream team.

Jason’s claims that he’ll “Make Corinth Great Again!” are no match for Medea’s diplomatic finesse and skill at reaching across the aisle. It doesn’t hurt her case that everybody is a little scared of her and her extremely “tough on anyone who wrongs me in any way” track record.

Somebody, literally anybody, looks at the data and realizes that Cassandra has a success rate at being right that would make Nate Silver weep with envy (or, more likely, double down with a series of defensive and self-justifying tweets). Priam decides to put her in charge of their military strategy. The Trojans win the war, and one of her sisters suggests Cassandra take Agamemnon as her sex slave because that’s definitely what he would have done to her if the roles were reversed. They both have a good laugh, because can you even imagine voluntarily sleeping with that guy.

Because this is a fantasy, let’s imagine these women immediately had the full support of other politicians and the news media in their respective homes, and they didn’t have to waste their time convincing people they could appeal to nonexistent swing voters. They could focus all their energy on what they did best: actually running a government. It’s a beautiful dream.