Myths if they included traveling with kids
There wasn’t actually a prophecy about Laius being murdered by his son. Laius and Jocasta just tried to bring the infant Oedipus on an overnight camping trip, then decided it would be easier to leave him there on the mountain.
Thetis brought infant Achilles on a fun trip to the River Styx. Achilles really enjoyed splashing on the invulnerability-granting waters, but he wasn’t wearing a hat so a bunch of random older women started loudly judging and criticizing Thetis for her parenting choices. She decided to pack it in for the day before Achilles’ heel was handled.
Because when you travel with kids you need to pack every single damn item they own, when Danaë and Perseus were cast into the sea in a box, Danaë had to spend the entire journey with her face smashed against Perseus’ favorite toy sword. She forgot to bring his iPad and really regretted it.
Kronos didn’t originally plan to swallow his children, but after he tried to take them on a nice boat trip and Demeter kept whining “Dad, Hera’s on my siiiiiiiide,” it seemed like swallowing them was the easiest way to shut them up. Unfortunately, the argument about who was on whose side continued inside his stomach.
After Apollo confronted baby Hermes about stealing his cows, Hermes offered to walk with him to where he was keeping the cows hidden. He played “Baby Shark” on the newly-invented lyre nonstop on a loop as they walked until Apollo grabbed the lyre and told Hermes to just keep the freaking cows and they’d call it even.
After Icarus whined “Are we there yet?” for the eight-thousandth time, Daedalus suggested he fly a little higher to get a better look at how close they were to land. No, higher than that.
Odysseus tried to get out of having to serve in the Trojan War by pretending he’d gone crazy and started plowing his fields as chaotically as possible. Palamedes saw through the ruse and placed Odysseus’ infant son Telemachus in front of the plow. Odysseus swerved to avoid plowing through his son, revealing that maybe he wasn’t actually crazy — but then he picked up the baby and said “I know! We’ll bring him with us! Just think of the lifelong memories we’ll make!” Palamedes conceded that Odysseus was, in fact, nuts, and Odysseus got to stay home. Somebody else had the idea for the Trojan Horse, but because they brought their kids and the kids weren’t able to keep quiet, the ruse was discovered. Troy won.
After six days of hearing Pelops whine that he refused to eat dinner because the goat didn’t taste exactly like the goats at home, Tantalus got fed up and cooked him into a stew to serve to the gods.
Theseus, a grown man, kidnapped Helen when she was barely-pubescent girl and, according to some versions of the myth, got her pregnant with Iphigenia. I briefly considered making a joke about how whiny tween girls get when they’re separated from their friends for more than a day, but that would be a rape joke, so let’s just not. Myths are fucking disturbing sometimes.
Kronos went on a road trip with another Titan and his kids. The kids vomited so much while traveling that the overwhelming smell made Kronos puke up all the children he’d swallowed.
Funny, clever, familiar. Thanks for the joy in reading!
What an adaptive imagination you have...Hilarious...lol!! Especially the perpetual lute and 'just keep the damn cows'! Perfect!