You are 100% correct. Birthday parties are terrible. Every time I get an invitation the first thing I look for is "no gifts" and if there's nothing listed I immediately hate the parents just a little bit. And then we threw a 6th birthday party for my kid where we said no gifts and people brought gifts anyway!
Just saying. People are terrible, parties are terrible, why do kids insist on doing fun stuff.
- any game for the 5-and-under crowd that has a ton of tiny pieces that will immediately be lost
- slime (this goes in treat bags a lot and I always throw it in the garbage at my earliest convenience to prevent it going in my kids' hair, pockets, bedding, etc.)
- the game with the kinetic sand that my kids love but mostly for playing with the sand, which slowly gets lost in little dribs and drabs in the rug, in my socks, in the bookshelf... (thank god we don't have a pet or a baby around eating that!)
But can we also talk about how people will say “no gifts please” on the invitation, and then you show up without a gift… but everyone else has a GD gift in hand?!! What is this?!!!
Someone very dear to me thinks that "no gifts please" is some kind of test and you fail if you don't bring a gift. I think "no gifts please" is a GD plea for *less junk in my house please* and bringing gifts in spite of that is a war crime. A thing I have seen recently that may be an acceptable middle ground is kids giving each other their original artwork. For example, my 5yo got a drawing of a leopard from a classmate, which she adores and has it taped to the end of her bed with her sticker collection.
I only have one kid and he is small, but something I wonder when I hear these stories is why parents are going to every single birthday party personally. I don’t think this is how it worked when I was a kid? Aren’t there other adults at the birthday parties? Maybe I’m misunderstanding the situation or misremembering my childhood?
Great question! Drop-off parties start around age 8, it seems. But yes, I definitely feel like at my own birthday parties at age 5-6 the Greenburgh Nature Center (which, incredibly, still exists), where I wore a snake around my neck and a dove pooped on me, there weren't a ton of parents? So I think the norm has shifted over time.
Okay, that makes sense. This is a trend I see all over the place and it seems terrible but I’m not sure how any individual among us would fix it - ie, generally it seems like parents feel the need to be personally present a lot more at child events, classes, etc. My theory about this is that we have many fewer shared norms about how to interact with children and that makes it feel less safe for parents to not be around when other parents are looking after kids. I think about this a lot because it’s extremely costly (even the low level versions I experience as the parent of a 15 month old are costly - I can’t imagine how annoying it will become). But it doesn’t seem like it can be fixed by just deciding to do something different, because parents obviously make decisions for reasons and I suspect this is a natural response to a change in environment…
the best solution, probably, would be to form a tight-knit community with other moms in your kids' classes and then you could carpool/trade off. so it's probably also a symptom of our atomization and isolation as a society! late capitalism ruins everything!
Yeah, speaking as someone who’s done a lot of that community organizing type work, it’s way harder than it looks - but I agree it’s the clearest available solution (aside from hiring a ton of childcare staff, which most of us obviously can’t do). So I keep working on stuff like that… we’ll see how it goes…
To give an example - I pretty clearly remember my kindergarten birthday party when I was small. And I don’t think there were a lot of adults around? My key memories from that party have zero to two adults anywhere nearby. I think the parents of the party guests just dropped them off at my parents’ house? Should I be asking my parents what really happened because my memory is faulty?
I 1000% have gone ahead and made a stash of birthday gifts for 4-6yo kids. It’s on a high shelf in my closet, and means I don’t have to go shop for every single party. A couple of craft kits, a couple of games. Yes, I have struggled at least once when the tiny party guest clearly chooses an option because they want to the other thing for themself. But it’s better than going to the store every week.
I should add: the stash is also great when you don't have a million parties going on, because sometimes life is busy and suddenly it's the morning of a party and who has time to run out to a store (with or without child in tow) to get a thing? Grab a gift from the stash and stick it in one of the bazillion gift bags in the box of wrapping supplies and call it good.
Phone! Phone, phone, phone... I fear these events as much as you, and the phone is the solution. You're never alone with a phone, AND you can always be alone with a phone!
I mean, phonification is socially horrible and I feel bad about it. But definitely do it anyway. The alternative is inflicting my attempts at small talk on the world, and the world has told me in no uncertain terms that that's worse. I find the phone to be the perfect medium for translating poetry, bizarrely, so whenever the environment becomes too... social, I can go and get a chunk of hobby done.
Our daughter turned six a few weeks ago and the amount of gifts we got was terrifying. I've tried to specify "No gifts" on the invite several times and it never works! Why!!!
You are 100% correct. Birthday parties are terrible. Every time I get an invitation the first thing I look for is "no gifts" and if there's nothing listed I immediately hate the parents just a little bit. And then we threw a 6th birthday party for my kid where we said no gifts and people brought gifts anyway!
Just saying. People are terrible, parties are terrible, why do kids insist on doing fun stuff.
and sometimes the gifts MAKE NOISE and then you know the other parents hate you and want you to suffer
Also on "please suffer" gift list:
- any game for the 5-and-under crowd that has a ton of tiny pieces that will immediately be lost
- slime (this goes in treat bags a lot and I always throw it in the garbage at my earliest convenience to prevent it going in my kids' hair, pockets, bedding, etc.)
- the game with the kinetic sand that my kids love but mostly for playing with the sand, which slowly gets lost in little dribs and drabs in the rug, in my socks, in the bookshelf... (thank god we don't have a pet or a baby around eating that!)
But can we also talk about how people will say “no gifts please” on the invitation, and then you show up without a gift… but everyone else has a GD gift in hand?!! What is this?!!!
Someone very dear to me thinks that "no gifts please" is some kind of test and you fail if you don't bring a gift. I think "no gifts please" is a GD plea for *less junk in my house please* and bringing gifts in spite of that is a war crime. A thing I have seen recently that may be an acceptable middle ground is kids giving each other their original artwork. For example, my 5yo got a drawing of a leopard from a classmate, which she adores and has it taped to the end of her bed with her sticker collection.
I love the art idea!
I only have one kid and he is small, but something I wonder when I hear these stories is why parents are going to every single birthday party personally. I don’t think this is how it worked when I was a kid? Aren’t there other adults at the birthday parties? Maybe I’m misunderstanding the situation or misremembering my childhood?
Great question! Drop-off parties start around age 8, it seems. But yes, I definitely feel like at my own birthday parties at age 5-6 the Greenburgh Nature Center (which, incredibly, still exists), where I wore a snake around my neck and a dove pooped on me, there weren't a ton of parents? So I think the norm has shifted over time.
Okay, that makes sense. This is a trend I see all over the place and it seems terrible but I’m not sure how any individual among us would fix it - ie, generally it seems like parents feel the need to be personally present a lot more at child events, classes, etc. My theory about this is that we have many fewer shared norms about how to interact with children and that makes it feel less safe for parents to not be around when other parents are looking after kids. I think about this a lot because it’s extremely costly (even the low level versions I experience as the parent of a 15 month old are costly - I can’t imagine how annoying it will become). But it doesn’t seem like it can be fixed by just deciding to do something different, because parents obviously make decisions for reasons and I suspect this is a natural response to a change in environment…
the best solution, probably, would be to form a tight-knit community with other moms in your kids' classes and then you could carpool/trade off. so it's probably also a symptom of our atomization and isolation as a society! late capitalism ruins everything!
Yeah, speaking as someone who’s done a lot of that community organizing type work, it’s way harder than it looks - but I agree it’s the clearest available solution (aside from hiring a ton of childcare staff, which most of us obviously can’t do). So I keep working on stuff like that… we’ll see how it goes…
To give an example - I pretty clearly remember my kindergarten birthday party when I was small. And I don’t think there were a lot of adults around? My key memories from that party have zero to two adults anywhere nearby. I think the parents of the party guests just dropped them off at my parents’ house? Should I be asking my parents what really happened because my memory is faulty?
I 1000% have gone ahead and made a stash of birthday gifts for 4-6yo kids. It’s on a high shelf in my closet, and means I don’t have to go shop for every single party. A couple of craft kits, a couple of games. Yes, I have struggled at least once when the tiny party guest clearly chooses an option because they want to the other thing for themself. But it’s better than going to the store every week.
I should add: the stash is also great when you don't have a million parties going on, because sometimes life is busy and suddenly it's the morning of a party and who has time to run out to a store (with or without child in tow) to get a thing? Grab a gift from the stash and stick it in one of the bazillion gift bags in the box of wrapping supplies and call it good.
Love this piece. And just when you think the kids' birthday parties are done and dusted you get sucked into hosting for the grandkids...
Phone! Phone, phone, phone... I fear these events as much as you, and the phone is the solution. You're never alone with a phone, AND you can always be alone with a phone!
I mean, phonification is socially horrible and I feel bad about it. But definitely do it anyway. The alternative is inflicting my attempts at small talk on the world, and the world has told me in no uncertain terms that that's worse. I find the phone to be the perfect medium for translating poetry, bizarrely, so whenever the environment becomes too... social, I can go and get a chunk of hobby done.
Our daughter turned six a few weeks ago and the amount of gifts we got was terrifying. I've tried to specify "No gifts" on the invite several times and it never works! Why!!!
When your kids age into drop-off bday parties, you have truly entered the golden age of parenting.
PREEEEEACH