tarot decks that are definitely, 100% cursed

I’ve recently started pulling a tarot card every morning. It’s been coming for a while, honestly. A year ago I wrote an article about decks of cards that I thought would change my life:

The list included no oracle/tarot decks, which several commenters picked up on. But since then, I’ve been leaning into a little bit more witchiness. Last summer, I started doing meditation circles with my kids every morning and night and bought a pendulum. And then in the past few weeks, a friend got me this beautiful moon journal, and then

Ben Greene

wrote about his tarot practice on his wonderful newsletter, and I thought: you know what, it’s time. Also, I loved the aesthetics of the Modern Witch deck he shared.

Heart in the Stars, Feet on the Ground

I’m already loving this new practice as a way to start my day. Also, over the weekend, my almost-twelve-year-old daughter asked if she could draw a card, too. After shuffling herself — she asked me to shuffle for her, and I explained that I literally could not, because the shuffling is inherent to the practice — she drew the six of swords, a card that is all about being in transition. As a trans kid on the cusp of puberty, that was pretty powerful for her. She’s a scientist at heart, but she’s completely sold on the idea of using tarot to access inner wisdom, which I love for her.

I’ve been thinking about my witchy turn, and it led me to the conclusion that there might be a bit of an adult neurodivergence diagnosis to witch shit pipeline. It makes sense: it’s easy for undiagnosed neurodivergent kids to spend so much time masking and trying to fit themselves into boxes that they don’t belong in. We learn that it’s easier to fit in if we tune out our emotions and don’t follow our instincts, because when we follow our instincts people look at us like we’re weird and bad and wrong.

It takes a lot of time and finding your people and therapy to realize that, whoops, it’s much better to be weird and authentic. Trying to be who I think the world wants me to be is an inherently doomed and unhappy endeavor. I’ll never be good at it, and people will know that I’m faking and sense that uncanny valley and recoil from it. It’s so much better when you run out of fucks to give for who others wish you were. You might make some people uncomfortable, and that’s ok! Good, even! And witchy stuff can be a powerful tool for relearning how to connect with your brain and feelings in a way that allows you to surprise yourself. If you’re reading this and you’re on that journey: my heart goes out to you. Go buy yourself a tarot deck.

BUT NOT ONE OF THE ONES I’M ABOUT TO SHARE.

As I understand it — and I’m very much a newbie here, so please, more experienced tarot practitioners, feel free to educate me! — the most important feature of a tarot deck is that it speaks to you. So if you feel really called by a deck with art inspired by pulp illustration, or one with kawaii cats, or one that appeared on the Agatha All Along show: power to you.

But, with that said, some tarot decks that I saw did seem straight-up cursed. Be warned: what you see here will haunt you.

I found all of these on Amazon, the most cursed place to shop.

Tarot del Toro

This deck, with art inspired by the filmography of Guillermo del Toro, is actually stunning and beautiful and would be very cool to use. But it WILL give you and anybody else who draws a card from it nightmares. They went with the eye-hand monster from Pan’s Labyrinth for the damn cover!

Ceccoli Tarot Deck

Another beautiful and haunted deck, with illustrations that seem to be exclusively of Victorian doll-girls who come alive at night and attack you with a butcher knife. Again, I could see this deck being amazing for the right person, but that person is not me. It terrifies me.

Funko: Disney Villains Tarot Deck

Moving immediately from the sublime to the ridiculous, I can only ask: what fresh hell is this? Who asked for this? What series of decisions led someone to say: yes, there’s probably a market for a tarot deck with Funko Pop Disney villains on the cards? (There’s also a Funko Nightmare Before Christmas deck, but that one feels slightly less cursed to me for some reason.)

NYC Tarot

Maybe the deck itself isn’t that bad, if a little overly sanitized, but the Amazon preview contains this card which I deem cursed:

Clever art choice, but you had one job, and it was not misspelling “emperor.”

The Housewives Tarot: A Domestic Divination Kit

I am so exhausted by the tradwife discourse, but: those patriarchy-courting faux feminists had better stay the hell away from my witch shit.

One of the cards is literally a woman who is a dishwasher!

Houseplant Tarot: A 78-Card Deck of Adorable Plants and Succulents for Magical Guidance

I am not personally a plant mom, although I have nothing but respect for the witches who can keep something green alive. However:

I just can’t get behind “updating” the suits to succulents, cacti, potted trees, and flowering plants. What the hell? Like, I ASSUME cacti are swords, but… why?

Especially as a wedding gift for the lovely

Tori Lee

, here’s the extremely cursed VI of Succulents, whatever that is:

Just no.

Good Omens Tarot Deck

I’m absolutely sick with disgust and rage at Neil Gaiman right now.

The Official Sonic the Hedgehog: Amy Rose's Fortune Card Deck

What the

I can’t

And, finally, because this is Myth Takes:

Mythos Tarot: Guidance from the Greek Gods

The tagline says “Travel under the shadow of Olympus and walk your personal Odyssey through traditional tarot,” which should tell you everything you need to know about this deck. The art really hammers it home:

I definitely don’t need a yassified Persephone making sultry eyes at me in my tarot, ok? Also, divination was a huge part of Greek religion, and this feels like such an inauthentic mashup of different divination practices. Just visit the Pythia, cowards.

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As I said, any tarot deck that speaks to you is the right deck. If the Disney Funko Villains deck really feels like it will help you create the life you want to live, go forth. And, actually, it’s kind of generative and interesting to draw a tarot card and feel resistance to it! If it made you mad that I dunked on any of these, then that’s a useful signal for you, too. Maybe you feel like the housewife deck will help remind you of what we’re fighting against, or maybe you really love the idea of drawing a Knight of Flowering Plants. That’s between you and the universe.

I’m mostly just being silly here. Except about the idea of giving money to Neil Gaiman. Don’t do that.